I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
