Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
