Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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