the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
