A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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