You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
