I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
