Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize