he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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