Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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