Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
