Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
