New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
