so that wasnt chicken after all
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
