All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
