i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize