I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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