So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
