new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
