we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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