I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
