you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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