it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
