Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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