i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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