he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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