We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
