I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
