that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
