I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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