The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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