i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
