that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
