Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
