I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize