i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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