Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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