Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
