she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
