you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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