I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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