Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize