:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
