I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
