You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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