You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
