This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize