im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm like, not good at living.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
