FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
