Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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