i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
