Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

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(518): View more from New York

Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.

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(334): View more from Alabama

If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(518): View more from New York

When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.

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