Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
