Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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