My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
