you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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