anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
