I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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