when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
