well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
